Peet Brits

Hmm, but that doesn't make any sense…

Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

Before Living Our Talents We Need Love

Posted by Peet Brits on April 26, 2011

In my previous post I introduced the concept of focusing on your talents to live a strength-based life. There is, however, a much deeper psychological need in every human being, and that is the need to feel loved. When the need is met you can move out and meet your potential. If unmet, we simply struggle to survive. [1]

When I say “love” I’m not simply talking about the love from a dating relationship. In our culture love has sadly become a synonym for sex or relationships. Limiting love to such formal parameters really robs us of great experiences. We fall in the trap where we keep searching and wishing for such relationship, and when we blindly jump to fulfil it it quickly turns sour because we entered with the wrong intentions.

That, however, is not the point I am trying to make. The point is to get closer to the true meaning of love, and prevent the paralysed effect of feeling unloved.

Love Languages

Let’s look at love from a different angle. The author Gary Chapman introduced the world to the five love languages, and according to him, these languages are the way in which we prefer to express and receive love. The five categories are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. You can discover yours from this quiz: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

A single person might quickly point out that this will not help you much until you are in a dating relationship. Well, actually we are already in many relationships where we can begin to practice the concepts. Relationships include, among other, parents, family, friends, and even people at work. For example, take Words of Affirmation. Tell your parents you love them. Tell your colleagues that you appreciate it when they do a good job or help you out. Don’t just assume they know you appreciate it. Give them feedback and let them know how their effort helped.

Reference

[1] Five Love Languages for Singles, Gary Chapman

Advertisements

Posted in Art of Living | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Does true love exists?

Posted by Peet Brits on May 25, 2010

Or to rephrase the question, is it possible to fall in love and stay together with the same person your entire life? Even if this love is your first love?

The mushy short-term loving feeling is to pull people together, and once they are together they need to commit to make it work.

My grandfather died a few weeks ago. I was always amazed when I looked at my grandparent’s marriage. They were always together, worked hard to maintain the house, and always did everything as a team. Yes they argued a lot because they got frustrated with each other, but even then it was as if they knew that, no matter what, they were always better off together.

This mindset that life is hard and you have to make it work, no matter what, is something that died away a few generations back. We no longer know the meaning of commitment. We no longer know the meaning of family. Life has become too easy and too comforting. We sit lazily on the couch and watch TV. We quit our job and get a new one. People enter relationships only to have fun, kiss and have sex, and when things get rough, they quit and get a new one. Etc. etc. etc.

And yes, all people are not like this, but this has definitely become the trend. My point is not that true love does not exists any more, but that our modern society has suffocated it.

Posted in Art of Living | Tagged: , , , , | 3 Comments »

Health Risk: Toxic Human Behaviour

Posted by Peet Brits on April 27, 2010

It is important not to return other people’s negative behaviour or things will only get worse. Dr. Kim wrote a great article about what a person can do about negative behaviour, which he labelled toxic behaviour.

Toxic behaviour is bad for your emotional health, as it influences your organ system health, especially the nervous and endocrine systems. Emotional health is largely affected by our daily interactions with others. You know that you are a victim of human toxicity when another person’s behaviour makes you feel bad regularly. This includes intimidation, hurtful gossip, excessive complaining, discouragement to follow your dreams, and taking advantage of kindness and resources while pressuring you with guilt.

I strongly suggest that you read Dr. Kim’s article for more detail. In this post I will only summarise his suggested process of dealing with toxic people and behaviour in four steps:

A) (The first step applies to anyone.) If you are the cause, then apologise. Ask a trustworthy person for their opinion to help you clear your mind. If you are not the cause and the person is not a frequent contact, then silently say goodbye and move on. (For example, an unkind customer.)

I applied this concept in my own life while in traffic. Normally road rage leads to the blowing of horns, shouts of insults, and displays of unspeakable sign language. Instead of returning the behaviour like everyone else, I started repaying evil with good. Whenever someone got angry with me, even when I was completely innocent, I would simply smile and wave. This is not a wave loaded with negative emotions, but a wave that said, “I am sorry and I forgive you, no harm was done.” Most peoples’ faces would soften immediately, and once a woman even blushed. I must tell you, it felt great, much better than the rotten after-taste of anger.

B) Develop compassion. (This step applies to someone that is at least a regular contact.) Toxic behaviour is learned or caused by hurt, disappointment or anger, so your compassion must become greater in order to overcome or quell your own hurt, but do not become a doormat.

C) Have patience. (This step also applies to someone that is at least a regular contact.) Wait for them to apologise. Teach them that you want them to treat you with kindness and respect.

D) (This final step only applies to someone close, in a deeply committed long-term relationship.) If there is no apology for too long, then you have to initiate a make-up session (proactive and even martyr-like). Hopefully your initiative will motivate them to take more responsibility for their actions next time. The key is to reach a peaceful and loving environment, with the hope of increasing understanding and intimacy.

Posted in Art of Living | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »